What happens when one dies with unresolved issues?

What happens when the heart stops beating while still yearning for answers?

I worry about my father’s soul.

Dementia took him back to a not so good moment in his late life.

He was looking for mom and looking for answers.

Answers that only mom knew in her heart.

I do believe that mom eventually passed in peace.

One morning she took her last breath and that was it.

I worry about dad because he cries yearning for understanding.

I try to tell him it happened decades ago and that mom is now in heaven.

But he refuses to accept it.

“Rina, help me to understand.”

This is hard for me because I dare not speak for mom.

I try to divert his attention to the present moment.

He continues to weep in anguish.

This has brought me sleepless nights.

I think about his soul and pray that it doesn’t linger when that day comes.

To carry a broken heart to one’s death is heavy.

One can brush it off as a dementia moment.

However, I do not for one moment believe it’s dementia talking.

Dad carried his burdens with dignity.

In this last stretch his vulnerability finally breaks open.

Oh! how he loved mom.

But unable to let go of that moment that happened a long time ago….

If there is one thing I am learning about ageing, it’s finding your truth.

Things seem clearer to me now.

Looking back, lots of humps and challenges smack you in the face.

All part of bringing you closer to your truth.

The cycle repeats and at that moment it does get very exasperating to deal with.

I understand now that life just wants to be certain that you are moving one step closer to your truth.

People, places, situations all have a part to play in leading you to your truth.

Let go of the self-pity and self-blame and no need to point the finger elsewhere.

It just is what it is.

That is, finding you truth.

You will know when it’s time to go.

Truth just has a way of waking you up, leading you to what your life is meant to be.

And that saying, “the truth will set you free”.

Believe it!  Because it is TRUE!

The soul knows no bounds.

The physical body may be weak and the mind may be lost to dementia.

But it’s one’s soul that truly knows.

I believe that the will of my 95 year old father to live comes from each and every individual that watches over him, cares for him and ensures his comfort every single day.

His will to live comes from each and every individual that remembers him and recognizes him.

With every recognition, the soul is energized.

No matter how brief the encounter, it’s the soul that feeds on the energy that keeps him going.

A relative mentioned that she saw my father in the hospital the other day.

When souls meet, they come alive.

My father’s soul is no exception. 

A greeting here and there, is recognition of love and hope for his soul.

A two minute phone call, a touch of a hand, a voice from a distance all feed his soul.

The body will continue to struggle and the mind will keep wandering off but the soul remains.

Present, where each and every moment is worth living for as long as one’s soul is fed and acknowledged.

There is LIFE.

There is FAITH.

My father at age 95 believed he could do it.

He thought he had it all figured out.

After 8 years in dialysis, hardly eating and struggling decided to call it quits.

His instructions were clear.

Stop dialysis.

He was clear about what would happen thereafter.

Death.

“I am going to die and I want to be with your mom.”

Dutiful children that we are, we prepared to honor his wishes.

We said our goodbyes.

His surroundings were set up for his final days to come.

On the day that was supposed to have been his last dialysis treatment everyone bade him farewell.

He must have been overflowing with love that when he arrived home he changed his mind.

“Continue dialysis.  I don’t like it but I know I need it.”

Tears turned in joy.

Despair turned into hope.

Fatigue turned in renewed energy.

God truly has a way of allowing us all to make things right here on earth.

It was not so much about my father choosing to give up.

Rather, it was an awakening for us.

LOVE can move mountains!

When my father decided to call it quits, everyone dropped everything and ran to him.

One last time with dad, one last touch, one last kiss.

Oh! how dad missed being surrounded with LOVE.

Truth is, he was somewhat forgotten.

Not in an intentional way, more like, we all got caught up in our own battles.

We took for granted that he needed to be remembered.

Everyone “forgot” to visit him and spend time with him.

So he decided on his own to call it a day.

God truly is GOOD!

He has granted us all a window of opportunity to make up for lost time.

This last hundred meter stretch of dad has turned out to be a silver lining for all.

Just as my father has his own journey to fulfill, so do we.

We all have roles to play in each other’s lives.

No finger pointing, no judgements.

When dad gets to the finish line, it’s only GOD who decides.

The same for us too.

What I know for sure is that every single hour of the day counts.

Every second matters.

How we choose to spend our time is our choice and not because one has to.

As I continue to make the most out of every second of the day,

I say a prayer in silence for my father.

I love you dad, don’t be afraid.

You are in good hands, safe and sound with GOD by your side.