Not Everything about the Past is BAD

At times, it’s a matter of simply walking back to clear a path.

Other times it may take more than walking back.

You have to sit a while, re-live the moment and then walk away.

 

If not today, when?

At some point something or someone will eventually take you back.

Like it or not, you’re going to have to walk down that old familiar path.

 

You might as well take that walk on your own terms.

So that when the unexpected presents itself, you won’t have to fret.

Simply walk back with grace and elegance like nothing ever happened.

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A Forgiving Heart

Forgiveness without a question and answer portion is not easy.

 

To forgive another person’s silence is doubly hard.

 

The hardest for me is forgiving myself.

 

For trusting 100 %.

 

There was no reason to doubt.

 

So I thought…

 

I truly believed all the signs that manifested in my favor.

 

I sat in silence and prayed.

 

And when God answered fairly quick, there was no need to second guess.

 

So I thought…

 

I overlooked a fine line in my prayer.

 

I trusted the process.

 

My excitement took the better off me.

 

I lost my balance, my self-worth, my integrity and my dignity.

 

Much as I would have desired to save a good cause.

 

I guess my cause wasn’t good enough and worth saving.

 

In the end, I only had myself to forgive.

 

A humbling journey that awakened me.

 

Slowly but surely the wounds are healing.

 

As I begin to put myself out in open space once again,

 

I trust and I keep the faith.

 

After all, vulnerability must come with forgiveness.

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Live and Learn

They say the learning never stops.

Once again fate has hurled me to the other side of the fence.

I have to admit I never saw it coming.

 

That was one hell of a blind curve.

All the years of hard work and effort to stay centered fell right through the cracks.

I had nothing and no one to hold on to but myself.

 

One day it all came to an abrupt halt.

I had to do something to save my soul.

There’s only so much coldness one can endure.

 

The silence deafened me to no end.

I couldn’t cry a river even if I wanted to let it all out.

Then without warning, one of the hardest decisions I had to make in a long time just happened.

 

And then it all came rolling down like an endless stream.

Tears of pain, tears of sorrow and disappointment.

I had to swallow it all no matter how hard it was to digest.

 

So they say keep moving forward…

Who knows what tomorrow may bring.

Everyday is a work in progress for me.

 

Maybe one day fate will be kind to me once again.

And I will have the strength to give it another shot.

If only to master the learning that never stops.

 

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A Matter of Perception

I wish I had the courage to say all this to you.

Having been there, I do remember that to try and shed some light at the wrong time will only make matters worse.

 

It truly is difficult to be happy for someone you don’t see eye to eye with.

I get it.  It’s not easy to be happy for others when you aren’t in a happy place yourself.

 

It’s hard to embrace the good things that happen in other people’s lives when you’re stuck in unsettled ground.

 

Negativity loves these scenarios!  Jealousy, envy and distrust.

The deeper the conflict the darker one’s vision gets.

 

Seeing becomes so distorted making it virtually impossible to entertain any form of good.  Appreciating positive events just does not suit you.

 

When others are celebrating you’re keeping your fingers crossed waiting for something to fall apart.

 

The minute you get wind of any bit of news no matter how small and inaccurate, your perception sees it as a wonderful negative affirmation of your feelings.

 

It took me a while to realize this.

I know better now.  

 

Much as I’d like to believe your stories, I’m sorry I can’t.

Your perception is quite far off from genuine reality.

 

I wish that one day soon you give yourself a break and allow for light to set in.

Just a little at a time is good enough to clear the blind spots.

 

It may take a while to gain back 20/20 vision but anything is much better than total blindness from reality.

 

You’ll eventually feel less fatigued, less agitated and less irritable.

It is my hope that you begin to notice that it’s not just work that bogs you down.

 

It’s all that constant subconscious whirling of ugly thoughts inside your head that depletes your energy without you even realizing it.

 

Trust me on this.  It’s what imprisoned me and kept me from living a life of peace.  Even my sleep was tiring! I see that in you now.  

 

 

The negativity just whirls you around.

For a while you think you’re fine and then by day end you’re back in that deep dark hole.

 

It’s hard for me to listen to you.  I’ve had to put the phone away from my ears when it gets repetitive.

 

I wish I had the courage to tell you this.  I know you drink and there’s nothing wrong with enjoying your wine.

 

But when you’re unhappy, the alcohol has a way of creeping in on your vulnerability clouding what little is left of your good judgment.

 

Yes, you do like to believe it’s truth and courage, but I on the receiving end hear otherwise, loud and clear.

Frankly, I hear garbage talk.

 

I feel sorry for myself because I have to grin and bear your ugly side in silence.

I feel sorry for you as well because at our age, who wants to be stuck in an ebb of distortion?

 

I prayed this morning asking God to enlighten you.  I asked God for forgiveness because I’m a coward that lacks the good heart in being honest with you.

 

I don’t want an argument anymore between us.

I choose silence for now until you come around.

 

I will continue to listen to you with the hope that you eventually snap out of the cycle.

Bless your journey.  I know you’re “alone”.

 

May you choose to live a life of peace and quiet over and above the negativity that seems to have found a comfortable home inside of you. 

 

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