Faith and Grace

I think about dad a lot.

I don’t see him as often as I should.

 

There is nothing to explain really.

It’s just the way things are.

 

Yes I know.

I should, I must, I have to.

 

My point is about something else.

I think about Faith and Grace a lot.

 

I do what I can to keep the faith.

I believe that with grace, nothing could ever be lost.

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If Not NOW, When?!

They say it’s like learning how to ride a bike all over again.

There are many things in life that we have to keep re-learning.

 

In my case, it’s been five years since I left corporate life.

In a week I’ll be back where I belong.

 

Nothing like getting back in the professional game!

I must admit, I missed the high of working full time.

 

I crave the professional interaction, the wheeling and the dealing.

It’s what I know how to do best and what I’ve always done in my career.

 

The girls are all grown up and Dad can no longer travel.

It’s about time I take care of my own needs.

 

The dynamic is similar yet very different when it comes to matters of the heart.

It’s easy to get back on a bike and start pedalling.

 

However, I must admit, it’s scarier for me than getting back to work.

It’s not just hopping back up on a bicycle, the challenge is maintaining balance.

 

Falling down will surely happen many times.

One simply gets up and starts pedalling again.

 

It’s the difficult and hard falls that make me nervous.

The kind of fall that can bruise deeply, I guess it’s called natural fear.

 

Fear because I’ve been out of my game for a really long time.

I tend to overthink and over feel each and every process.

 

They all say, just let go and ride your bike freely.

It takes a lot of courage to put oneself out there at midlife.

 

I’ve gotten used to keeping to myself in my solitary hole.

It was safe and uncomplicated.

 

Then again, who wants to live a solitary life.

Bicycle rides are exhilarating and energising!

 

I have to learn how to let it all go and let it be.

Trust is key in letting go.

 

If not now, when?

I guess it’s now or never.

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The Rosy Challenge

“It takes two to tango.”

I can’t claim that I did the tango with dad but he certainly spun me around!

 

Observing his daily routine, his unconscious boredom and loneliness made me realize that it takes a lot of effort to age gracefully.

 

I believe this is where the turnaround began.

Small talk and lightheartedness were my initial assignments.

 

Practice with anyone and everyone, randomly.

From the street cleaners to the cashier at the supermarket, making my way to relatives and family.

 

I woke one morning feeling different.  Something within had changed.

Everyone around me would lose their patience and I’d simply smile.

 

How odd of me, I thought…

And then the light bulb lit brightly.

 

I set myself free from jail!

The inner agitation no longer itched.

I felt the glow of resurrection

 

I met up with an old friend I had not seen in decades.

“You’re aura is different!  Are you the Rina I knew then?”

She was quick to ask, “When did you realize the change?”

 

I knew in my heart that my long self-imposed crucifixion had come to an end.

I still have occasional falls and slips but like Jesus who fell three times, you simply get up and keep on going….

 

How timely that I have come to realize forgiveness in this season of Lent.

 

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911 Help

How do you know when it’s time to let go and how do you know what to let go of?

 

I’m a perennial spring cleaner.  I like the feeling of having enough space to breathe around me when I de-clutter.

 

Some things I am sure of letting go.  But others sit through several rounds of spring-cleaning before I set an ultimatum for myself.

 

Today, I pulled out a few things from the banquette in my bedroom.  I felt it was time to let go of them.  Except for one item.  It’s not bulky, but it’s long and big.  

 

Rolled up, I initially felt that it was time to let it go.  But then I unrolled it and saw the dedication given to me by my former employer.  

 

Feelings of sentiment came rolling back in.  So it’s back on the pending corner.  Do I let it go or not?

 

I have no use for the huge tarpaulin poster of myself and my work family except to keep in inside my chest, rolled up.  

 

I guess to remind me that I once had a great work family that I belonged to.   That’s it really.  

 

I no longer have contact with my former boss and my former colleagues, except for one.  

 

I still remember my staff yearly and wish them well on their birthdays and every Christmas.  Other than that, life has gone on since I left six years ago.

 

Going back to the issue of letting go, if I discard the rolled up tarpaulin maybe in time I’ll forget about it.

 

However, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the memories I had in corporate life.  That will stay with me forever, I am sure of this.

 

Why do I feel some heaviness with discarding the souvenir?  Is it time?  I believe the time was long ago and it’s long overdue.   But I’m stuck!

 

I need help in deciding.  I struggle with tossing it into the garbage.  Am I hanging on to a part of my past that I should let go of?  

 

Surely, I can’t be a hoarder simply for hanging on to one thing?  One half of me says, it’s okay, let it go.  But the other half is silently suggesting not to.  

 

This is turning into an emergency situation for me.  Can someone please help me?

 

Wisdom, life, experience, reflection are you there?  I need a light bulb moment.  I don’t think calling 911 will solve the issue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Thanks, Chris. ?
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