Reconnecting

The fountain pen feels heavy in my hand.  I haven't written for a long time.  I mean written – not typed.  That I do every day, all day.  Click, click.  Irregular, hollow.  I tap the plastic keys, one letter at a time, and words appear on my computer screen.  Words someone else has written, thought, felt.  Words I mutate into another language.  Making myself think them, feel them.  Click, click.  

No words flow out.  My nib is like a dried-up fountain.  The pathway between my brain and my hand is overgrown with brambles, and my thoughts are caught up somewhere in that darkness.

I suddenly realise that even writing these few lines has been stressful and tiring.  An effort.

I pause.  Shall I put the pen down? What if I can't pick it up again? A flush of anxiety  rushes into my face.  Cold.  I begin to write again.  Slowly, gingerly.  Piano piano.

I think of a cartoon in The New Yorker that hangs framed in my study, my bottega.  A little boy watches as a cute little girl is scribbling on the sidewalk. I try to write a little every day, the caption says.

Baby steps.  One foot, then another.  The black ink briefly glistens on the paper before turning matt.  I take my time to form the letters, join them, taking care to place the dots above the is and not let them float randomly.  Making sure I round my letters so my as and es are legible.

My rosewood and chrome Faber Castell seems like a close friend you haven't seen for a long time.  You used to talk over each other and now you can't think of anything to say.  The intimacy's gone.  You look at each other with trepidation and fear of disappointment, hoping to detect the gold thread that connected you in the past, so you can pick it up again.  You search for the bridge that used to join you.  You know it can't have crumbled – nothing that can't be repaired with a few stones and a little mortar – you just can't remember the way to it.  Any minute now you're going to turn a corner and see it right in front of you.

And so I keep writing, slowly, gingerly, trusting in the brilliant black ink flowing steadily through the nib, taking root on the cream page.  Forming every letter carefully, lengthening the stems, evening out the loops, connecting them into words.  Almost any words.

Trusting that my thoughts will start to light up the overgrown pathway and seep into my nib.  Soon.

One word at a time.  Slowly.  Piano piano.

 

Scribe Doll  

Comments 4

 
Monika Schott on Sunday, 07 July 2019 21:53

Yes, I know that feeling well, of needing to burst from all the restraint and you don't know how. That's when I start to write too, with no idea of what I'm writing and after a while, words fall out and grow into fanciful strings. And then it feels like a blockage has been cleared. Keep writing when you have no idea what you're going to write. It comes. Literally!. ;)

Yes, I know that feeling well, of needing to burst from all the restraint and you don't know how. That's when I start to write too, with no idea of what I'm writing and after a while, words fall out and grow into fanciful strings. And then it feels like a blockage has been cleared. Keep writing when you have no idea what you're going to write. It comes. Literally!. ;)
Katherine Gregor on Monday, 08 July 2019 07:50

Thank you, Moni, I've done many different jobs in my life and always managed to write. Since I've been a literary translator, though, the writing part of my brain is struggling to burst out.

Thank you, Moni, I've done many different jobs in my life and always managed to write. Since I've been a literary translator, though, the writing part of my brain is struggling to burst out.
Rosy Cole on Tuesday, 09 July 2019 13:35

What I find useful, Katia, with any form of writing when sufficient inspiration is lacking, or even when it isn't, or you can't get to keyboard or pen and paper, is to jot down key phrases that strike you. The more vivid and metaphoric, the better. A picture soon forms even if you don't use those phrases raw. At least with your translating skills, you can derive some income...and be appreciated for them! :-)

What I find useful, Katia, with any form of writing when sufficient inspiration is lacking, or even when it isn't, or you can't get to keyboard or pen and paper, is to jot down key phrases that strike you. The more vivid and metaphoric, the better. A picture soon forms even if you don't use those phrases raw. At least with your translating skills, you can derive some income...and be appreciated for them! :-)
Katherine Gregor on Friday, 12 July 2019 14:51

Not sure about the "appreciated" part of translating. Relatively few reviewers even mention the translators' names, even after eulogising about the book – as though the original was in English. My issue is not a lack of inspiration but a lack of time to write anything down. I write all day, as a literary translator, and my brain just gets too tired to write anything of my own, and then I become like a rusty tap that makes an unpleasant noise when you try and open it. Thamk you for commenting, dear Rosy.

Not sure about the "appreciated" part of translating. Relatively few reviewers even mention the translators' names, even after eulogising about the book – as though the original was in English. My issue is not a lack of inspiration but a lack of time to write anything down. I write all day, as a literary translator, and my brain just gets too tired to write anything of my own, and then I become like a rusty tap that makes an unpleasant noise when you try and open it. Thamk you for commenting, dear Rosy.
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Latest Comments

Katherine Gregor Reconnecting
12 July 2019
Not sure about the "appreciated" part of translating. Relatively few reviewers even mention the tra...
Jane Phillipson Wilson Time Is Flying and Changes Increasing!
09 July 2019
I so needed to read this today! Thank you, Sue! xxooJane
Rosy Cole Reconnecting
09 July 2019
What I find useful, Katia, with any form of writing when sufficient inspiration is lacking, or even ...
Katherine Gregor Reconnecting
08 July 2019
Thank you, Moni, I've done many different jobs in my life and always managed to write. Since I've ...
Monika Schott Reconnecting
07 July 2019
Yes, I know that feeling well, of needing to burst from all the restraint and you don't know how. Th...