On beating bashfulness: why marketing my book is about them, not me...

b2ap3_thumbnail_72a58f27fbf1fa965aa56b3cc05d98c2.jpgThis is my first blog post here in The Green Room. I thought initially that this wasn't something I could sign up to. Not because I didn't think it was a good idea - it is a fabulous one and I have already enjoyed reading some of the posts published in recent days. No - it was about my ability to commit to writing for another blog, in addition to my own and at a time when I am getting ready for the October publication of my book Shell Shocked Britain: The First World War's legacy for Britain's mental health. But then I thought about the opportunity it offers to get things off my writing chest and perhaps learn a little more about what it really means to be a writer from those who have been there, done that, bought the paperback.

I posted on my book's Facebook page recently that I am worried about putting my head above the proverbial parapet and really getting Shell Shocked in front of those who will stock the title or offer me the opportunity to have a signing or do a talk for their organisation. The publisher (Pen & Sword) help a lot but still, the social media and talk booking side is largely down to me. For all of my adult life I have disliked that feeling of imposing on someone's goodwill - selling raffle tickets, asking for a donation to charity, marketing a business event. Even pitching for work has proved a challenge. Why would anyone want to read what I have to say, over and above all those other writers out there? How do I make my work stand out from the rest of the slush pile? Why bother?

It has taken three years of counselling to deal with that last one. I know I bother because I love writing, and thus far people seem to have enjoyed reading what I have to say. I look at other writers with admiration now, rather than awe. I have met and spoken to enough new writing friends (virtual and physically present) to know that I am not unique in my lack of confidence and that a certain humility is preferable to insufferable arrogance. But the selling thing is still a sticky one, and talks and signings even more gluey. What if I fall flat on my face? Look an utter pillock? See people fall asleep and hear snoring in the back row (if sufficient attend for there to be anything other than a back row.....)

When I wrote of my fears, I was wrong if I expected any sympathy for my own feelings in the matter. I was forced to consider whether this self-consciousness is itself a form of vanity. I am writing non-fiction, therefore it is not about ME at all. It is about all those who find their stories within the covers of my book; all those people whose struggles with the lasting trauma of a war experience and enduring mental illness I felt needed to be heard; about a view of our nation that, two or three generations ago, some assume to have been unaffected by a devastating loss that would leave society utterly devastated should a similar conflict happen today. It is them I will be talking about, not me. Stop thinking about yourself, I was told, very politely (for most writers are very polite). The audience (who more than likely will turn up,) won't be there to hear about you, or your own worries, so think about the stories and how important they are. Get over yourself woman!! (OK, that last one was me...)

So I am trying to lose a little weight and get fit, just to ensure I can stay resilient over the initial weeks after publication (and not to look too hideous in the photos) and I will buy a new outfit, keep clear of the dog (so I don't look down and spot hairs and dribble on my crotch at a vital point in the talk) and take the writer Gill Hoff's sage advice and resist eating before talking; burping is never a good way to show respect for your subject. I know there are writers on here with a lot more experience than me so any more tips will be gratefully received. 

And hopefully it won't be 'me me me' on here from now on....

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Happy to Be Home from the Hospital

As one of the Red Room refugees seeking a home in Green Room, I decided I would re-post last Sunday's blog created in blogspot, where I have blogged since July 2005 even before I discovered RR.  Green Room seems to be a welcoming community with familiar faces, and I look forward to continuing friendships here.  Below is last Sunday's entry:
After six days of being poked, pricked, and prodded, it was wonderful to wake up in my own bed this morning.  I had slept for 11 hours when Gerald came in to wake me so we would have time for him to give me the scheduled Lovenox shot before the home health nurse would be at our house right after lunch. 
Gerald built me a little box for my feet under the computer to shift my legs onto, and I tried to remember to get up and walk around once in awhile.  However, the truth is that one reason I enjoy writing and surfing is that I go into some kind of brain zone that blocks out the world. The concentration is very pleasant to me, and when I could, I often sat for hours without realizing how much time had passed.
I continued taking warfarin, but after a few years, my primary doctor assured me I could go off the drug if I wanted.  We were getting ready to take a trip to Oklahoma City for the softball world series and on to my sister’s in Amarillo, so I turned down the offer to go off.  From then on, at my annual check-up, my primary doctor would tell me I really would not have to continue taking warfarin. I would sheepishly answer that I must be psychologically addicted to it to give me a sense of security. 
But as our daughter Katherine’s health worsened and I spent more time with her, I found it more difficult to make time for the regular INR check-ups that warfarin requires.  I began to feel silly that I was choosing to take a drug I was told I did not need.  So at this year’s annual check up, when the doctor told me I could go off, I hesitated wondering what would result if we took a trip (which we probably cannot do).  She assured me I could temporarily take a new drug and have that security for the trip.  I went off warfarin and felt free as a bird.  No more trips to get my blood checked.  No feeling bad when I got home so late it was really the next day before I actually took my supper pills including the warfarin, Taking only three pills (two of which were over-the-counter) instead of five made me feel so healthy!  
However, I continued to feel (as I had for a year or so) tired after 9 or l0 hours of sleep when I was able to get that much, but I figured that was part of being 80.  So the week before last, when I felt a bit more tired than usual, I did not think much about it.  It was not until the weekend that climbing the stairs was making me extremely breathless.  Fearing something was wrong with my heart, I decided last Sunday to call my primary doctor the very next morning.  Since I had taken no trips and I did not need warfarin any more, I did not worry about blood clots.  
With Gerald’s help, I made it to my appointment.  For the first time in our lives, he went in and met my long-time doctor and listened for me.  I was glad he was there because I was not thinking well and did realize that my doctor meant me to go directly from her office to the hospital for the CT scan.
All is well that ends well, I’ve heard, and all is essentially well here at the farm. Tests showed no heart damage.  The second CT scan (which was actually only over the lower half of my body although I did not realize it) was not to see if the clots were gone as I supposed, but rather to make sure I did not have the kind of cancer that could cause clots in the lungs.  The hospitalist, whom I liked very much, had already arranged for an oncologist to come if the tests showed cancer.  They did not. All this had taken place, and I had no knowledge or worry about it.  Isn’t that great?   The doctor was puzzled since there were no clots in my legs.  He asked, “Where did the clots come from?”  Blood tests sent off and already returned have so far given no answer, but I believe he said some were still out.  He did not want to expose me to an unnecessary CT scan since the thinner blood will eventually be at the right balance and the body will destroy the clots. 
Katherine was released from the hospital on Friday.  Her aide Katie, who lost her brother in a tragic accident so recently, is helping Katherine again.  Am I worried about her?  Terribly, but I cannot do much about it.  In fact I never could. Advanced multiple sclerosis progresses as it chooses weakening and destroying the body of the one it inhabits.   Do I believe in prayer?  Yes, and I am grateful that all over the nation people have and do pray for Katherine.  Long ago her friend in Nashville became angry when a prayer meeting she arranged did not stop the disease.  My cousin rode his motorcycle all the way from California to apply oil and pray for her recovery. I am grateful.  We allowed him to come if he promised not to get angry.  I really believed his prayers might bring about a remission or recovery.  Instead the disease continued to grow worse.   Many believing praying cancer victims die of their disease.  I did not even know I might have cancer causing the clots and uttered no prayer against cancer, and I got the wonderful news I was cancer free.  Life is not fair by human understanding. The writer of Hebrews tells us some get their promises fulfilled here on earth and some do not, but all are fulfilled.
That is where faith is helpful. Faith helps you to know when the answers you want are not given to you, perhaps there are reasons beyond human understanding.  Things that are seen are not the evidence of faith.  Rather faith is the evidence of things not seen.  So I believe and ask God to help my unbelief. 
Jesus taught us that pain is redemptive.  The two young girls hurt in same accident as the one that took Chris Williams’ life are recovering. The orange ribbons still deck the nearby church yard fence beside the highway. Hundreds (perhaps thousands) have prayed; and  just like the girls’ parents, the community is so grateful for the prayers and for the continued healing. Will something good come from the awful pain the wreck brought?  I believe so.
So right now I am home bound.  I am feeling pretty good, and I think the Vitamin B-12 shots given me are helping me with the fatigue I’ve had for a year or so.  Maybe being 80 is not the cause. That too is good news!
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From Tucson AZ To The Ramon Crater Israel-- A Tale Of Unfulfilled Potential



One of the happiest winters we had was in the late eighties when we spent a sabbatical semester in Tucson Arizona. We drove from snowy Iowa City, where we lived, to Arizona at Christmas time. What I noticed first were the different colors of Santa Catalina Mountains and the smell of citrus bloom in the air. Whoever lives in a cold climate can identify with my conclusion, that we arrived to paradise.


A year later we returned to Israel and my husband got a job at Ben Gurion University in the southern city Beersheba. Beersheba is not a beautiful place, but an hour away in 3 directions there are some of Israel’s most beautiful spots: the Dead Sea to the east , the Mediterranean sea to the west, and the *Ramon Crater to  the south.


One late afternoon we drove to the Ramon Crater and were struck by its beauty. We were overwhelmed by the different colors inside the crater and loved the gazelles running on its rim. We both remembered beautiful Tucson and our happy time there and at that moment decided that we would buy a house by the crater in the small town of Mitzpe Ramon (Ramon Observation Point).


 The opportunity came some weeks later and within two months we were already at our new home in Mitzpe Ramon, that was 23 years ago. We only stayed one year in Beersheba and then went back to the States, but that house has remained our home in Israel and whenever we went there on vacations we spent our time in Mitzpe Ramon mostly doing what we loved doing in Tucson: hiking and being outside.


The sleepy town of Mitzpe Ramon has a strange mixture of people: there are the pioneers who created that settelment in the 1950s when they built the road to Eilat. Then in the 60s new immigrants were brought there from North Africa, in an attempt to populate the Negev. In the 70s a group of Americans who call themselves Hebre’ic Blacks came to live in Mitzpe Ramon, and later on the hippies, the artists, and the nature lovers came to town in an attempt to escape city life.


Two years ago the most expensive resort hotel in Israel was built on the rim of the crater. Guests in that hotel spend more than 1000$ a night to sit on their balconies and watch this natural wonder. However, so far, even this development has not changed the town which has remained sleepy as ever.


 If you ask around, many people here in Mitzpe Ramon would say that they do not want their town to change; this is exactly what they were looking for when they left the big city for the quietness of the desert mountains. Yet, other people may complain about a very high unemployment rate and the lack of opportunities for the residents.


Unfulfilled potential (just like unfulfilled talent) often causes disappointment-- a feeling of opportunities missed: "Mitzpe Ramon could have been just like Sedona  AZ,  if only. . . "  Indeed Mitzpe Ramon is a classic case of an unfulfilled potential: it is a small, unsophisticated town by one of the most spectacular natural formations on earth.


But, from selfish reasons, I still prefer this state of unfulfilled potential. In the late 1970s I visited  another magical place-- Stanley Park in Vancouver BC. It had wild, not yet explored, beach areas. Going back there with my family in the mid-1990s I saw that in 15 short years the park has been  transformed. It has become a cultured park, still beautiful, but for me it has lost its magic.


Whenever I tell people about my house in Mizpe Ramon they say that I am very lucky to have a home in such a beautiful place, but usually they add that it is a pity that nothing has been done here. I don’t delude myself that Mitzpe Ramon will always stay the same, and when it does I may even be happy for the local people who will benefit from more opportunities. But in the meantime I enjoy being in this quiet unfulfilled place to where commercialism and progress have not yet arrived.


*The Ramon Crater is a geological feature of Israel's Negev desert. Located at the peak of Mount Negev, some 85 km south of the city of Beersheba, the landform is not actually an impact crater from a meteor, but rather is the world's largest makhtesh. The crater is 40 km long, 2–10 km wide and 500 meters deep, and is shaped like an elongated heart.Today the crater and surrounding area forms Israel's largest national park, the Ramon Nature Reserve. Wikipedia:




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only poetry is possible.

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